I have always considered the profound distinction between ninjas and pirates to be an absolute one. One was either ninja or pirate - there were no inbetweens. One personality type was skilled and proficient, elegant and silent, contained and constrained, honourable and spiritual. The other type loud and flamboyant, gregarious and unrestrained, life-loving and vigorous, passionate and strong.

Thus begins Tom Coates' hysterical explanation of his new Pirate-Ninja-Elf-Dwarf Theory of Human Classification. As my title suggests, I put myself in the Dwarf-Pirate quadrant, quite close to the axes. Where are you?